Now, I only write this to help others. I actually don't care about how it looks to others, participating in the physical world gossip, but if this can help another deal with what they perceive as unmentionable circumstances, then there is an additional purpose created out of this experience.
This is going to be rather long, so buckle your seatbelts and lets go!
I will refer to him as him/he, as it is easiest. I will also talk about physical me as "I" or self.... and higher consciousness as "we" for the purpose of this post.
He and I met April 2009 and have been together since then. We did have a 3 month period where we broke up, to figure out priorities and ended back up together. He is the first person in "this lifetime" that I have ever "repeated", as usually once I am done, I am done. But with him, there was obviously unfinished business (karmically/agreement-wise).
If it can be experienced, it was, in this relationship. I went from working in Corporate America making tons of money, skinny, totally strong... to total loss of job, identity, self, diminishing of ego, Dark Night of the Soul, deathbed health, and basically every addiction possible (work, alcohol, cigarettes, food, prescription medications, sex... and anything else I could find) all expedited during this relationship. We were of different ethnic backgrounds, belief systems.... if we could be more different, we were. My gifts also opened up just prior to (again) & during this relationship, my awakening began & my Kundalini Rising... all boom! So needless to say it has been a roller coaster ride for us both. The one constant was we that we loved & respected each other. He has a good heart.
There were many extreme things that "came into play" during this entire time (and before) but for the sake of this post, I will try to keep it directed towards this relationship/purpose. (They will be in the book.)
We have gone from me being the "provider" financially to me giving up my stability/pride and having to rely on him to provide. He offered that I could continue my Metaphysical Degree classes while teaching to help others and he would pay the bills (granted I have to help, but the sole responsibility was not to be mine anymore.) if I would agree to move to a lower rent apartment. I did have to "give up" my security in the apartment I had, and had to trust in another human being for once. BUT, he had proven to me over the last several years that he did love me unconditionally and that I could depend on him. So, my ego cried & whined until it gave up and we moved to a cheaper place together. That was just mid-January, 5 months ago actually.
The move helped me realize how much I had been hanging onto out of safety/fear & how it was a great thing. It was just another ego attachment. The new place was great, cheaper & I now had a lake to walk daily for exercise & nature. My health was phenomenal for the first time ever and I was actually happier than ever. Even our relationship had improved because I was different. Things were "perfect".
Then one morning I woke up and realized I'd had this really weird dream. I have learned to keep a journal by the bed to write them down in, since I can't remember majority of them once I "move". I have also learned to record the "emotion" of the dream, as this tells me so much also. If it is really emotional, it is usually mine. If it is not, if I understand the emotion, but am detached, it is someone else, prophetic sometimes, whatever.
Later in the day he & I decided to go for a walk around the lake together. This was always a great time for us to talk too. So we walked and almost 1/2 way around the 2.5 mile lake, I started to realize that the "conversation" we were having was a mirror of the experience in my dream. Woah! Now normally, I would not have paid attention, but that let me know I needed to. So while he talked, I listened. I can "feel" others energetic fields, chakras, vibrational frequencies, so being "tapped" into his underlying emotion, I could feel the "unspoken" stuff going on. I could "see" there was so much more going on than a casual walk-around-the-lake conversation. Now, if I had left it alone, it would have just been another conversation about the old days of him playing basketball, but I knew better. So, I went "there". I have learned to trust my intuition & information I get & so has he. Little did I know what was coming up next though!
I started asking questions about underlying issues that I already knew the answer to, because of the underlying feeling & also the dream. As the "trail" of the conversation unwinded, we ended up at me asking him "so what would make you happy?".... He said "no, nevermind". I said "yes, you are not speaking your truth and you have to do that." "So what would make you happy?"... he said "to be right with my God". So I asked him "and what would that take?". He stopped and said "no, I could never do that to you. I could never leave you. I could never hurt you." At that moment, I had to "remove myself" from this as a participant and go to a higher consciousness level, detach, treat him like a client & do what was right, best & highest good for all. I said "yes, you have to". His response was "I want to get married and have kids and you can't have kids". Without skipping a beat (other than my heart stopping for a minute or two), I said "then that is what you have to do." He was like "no, I can't. (Basically, yeah you have to, because once one "becomes aware" we have to do what is right.) We have a responsibility. It is no longer about "one" person anymore. It is about "us"... as a whole, as one.
Well the higher me, WE understood it. We actually already knew. I had told him like 2 years prior that I "understood" that he was sent to teach me trust (as I had NONE) and that I was sent to teach him how to be in a relationship so that one day he could get married and have kids. (He had never had one very long at all, a culture thing). He used to get so mad at me and tell me "don't say that!" But I knew. I used to tell "friends" that he & I would have to split eventually, that spiritually we were on different paths & that he would become an "obstacle" for me and actually interfere with my path/growth/etc. They used to think I was self-sabotaging, but I knew. Just one month before that "this day's event", I had done a group meeting where one of the new attendees asked me "Do you think you and your boyfriend could be together forever?". My automatic response being "Yes, we could, as we are very happy, but I know that is not the purpose in our relationship". She stopped & looked at me like "WHAT?".... (that took a bit of explaining).... lol
Regardless, I knew. And when that moment came, I knew that I could choose to "make" him stay with me out of obligation/guilt or I could let go. That intuitively, I had known & I also knew this was the purpose. Now the physical self (ego/intellect) had a hard time with it, but my higher self (we) understood it. No, he would never leave me, but I could do the right thing and let him go.
So we continued to walk & talk. He said the only way he would do this was if I never left him. That he loved me, trusted me & looked to me for guidance. I agreed, but told him that one day I would have to leave. We talked of how we I could "work off" my portion of the rent by cooking, cleaning & taking care of stuff like in the past, could continue to do my Metaphysics/Degrees, teaching classes, etc. He said that he'd make sure I had a place to live and that he would do an arranged marriage in his country & it would be 2 years before he could bring her back to the United States. We actually laughed about me being the "grandma/nanny" and helping her with adjusting/raising kids. I told him not to go that far yet! lol
I did tell him to give me some time to adjust to the idea (that was like mid-end of March?), as even though I understood it, I needed to adjust. He agreed. We came back to the apartment, I fixed lunch and at that moment in the kitchen I "knew everything was exactly perfect as it was in that moment."
It wasn't until the next couple days that reality of the physical world hit me & I needed to cry like a baby.... for-go the ego's releasing/grieving the loss of the attachment of us/the relationship, everything I had come to base my/our future on. Gone...
Fast forward past the crying & adjusting to just a few days later (one week?) when he called me into the room to ask me "When I go to my country (in 2 months May 2012) can I find a wife?" I am like "WHAT?!" Are you serious? Already? We just had the conversation! Then I stopped, removed myself & said "yes, if you promise to give me two years to figure out what to do for a place to live, get on my feet, etc." He agreed. I found out that night that "going to find a wife meant get married! Needless to say the ego needed to cry again for a couple days. Jeesh!
Then we agreed to keep communication open & talk, but to "change" the wording of our relationship from boyfriend/girlfriend to roommate/best friend... whatever... as once he boarded the plane mid-May 2012 he ceased to be my boyfriend & would return my best friend/roommate.
Shopping for wedding suits/clothes for him was quite torturous, and yet again my ego needed to grieve. Difference was, I understood it, I didn't fight it, and allowed it. I put things into perspective, found gratitude in the entire situation (it could always be worse!) and regrouped & we had a blast shopping the rest of the day.
Now, in the beginning I told him.... when I cry, that is my "Lower-self"... my physical self... when I am ok, that is my higher self... the one that understands. I also told him that understanding and being ok were two different things for awhile! lol He respected it, let me cry and we went on. Actually, I could not have asked for more accommodating circumstances for dealing with my ego self! :)
I put him on the plane, as soon as he walked away I "lost it". Silently, I cried until I could not see. I looked like a blithering idiot standing there in the airport. I recognized it for what it was, so I went and found a seat in the corner of the airport watching the planes and I cried.... for like an hour or two. It needed to come up, I didn't make a scene, I didn't go into pity, I just released in silence. When I was done, I took a few photos with my phone, posted on Facebook & drove home. I took a shower to cleanse my auric/energy field, got dressed & put my make up on, did my hair... I looked awesome! I felt great! I was quiet, peacefully in a bit of internal pain, but ok. I met a friend and we went to a spiritual meeting together that night, and I sat quietly and just listened to everyone tell their stories. I was very "aware" and just "being". My heart was wide open.
I set aside the next day to "remove" myself from everyone & everything to replenish my energy. I didn't want to project anything on anyone, so I posted a notice online that I was retreating for the day (no one knew what was up & it wasn't fair to open that door & I didn't need the energetic exchange at that moment). My phone went bonkers all day with "needs" and "chaos" of everyone in drama, needing help, etc. Because I teach students, had done Reiki attunements on an entire class, I felt a responsibility to answer. A new guy who picked up my business card from a "by chance" almost a year ago during a chance meeting/exchange called seeking help. It was actually good for me, as the universe was telling me to keep moving forward in helping others. So I "got it". Then one person went off the deep end on me, called repeatedly throughout the day and finally I could not take anymore. I had to back away. I found that when our own energy is depleted, we don't have the ability to "protect" ourselves from lower energies. I recognized it and "terminated" it... done. Sometimes we have to. It is a responsibility we have to ourselves and others not to lower our vibrations to meet theirs. We are not helping anyone when we do. Usually my vibration is so high, that others can't penetrate mine. Not that day.
The following day I jumped into everything with both feet. Back to handling clients, classes, nurturing my spirit. The next few weeks would prove to be absolutely phenomenal, new experiences, new channelings, new everything. My vibration continued to rise like by the hour & wow, I was vibrating at a level as never before. My entire body started vibrating for days at a time. I was connected like never before. I now had an entirely new understanding of "why he was gone for these two months" and what it meant for me & others I am meant to help. I gained awareness like never before. I am happier than ever before in my life!
While he has been gone we have Skyped several times. He even sent me a picture prior to the wedding to see what I thought. She is very pretty and exactly what he said he wanted.
May 26th (11 days after he left) he got married. I already "knew it". When he called online, I answered and said "I already know". He's like what? "What do you know?" Well because I didn't want to say that he was already married I said "I know you are getting married and that you picked "that" girl. He said "I am already married". Now, yes my heart dropped, but I never missed a beat in congratulating him and talking to him. My girlfriend sitting next to me mouthed "are you ok?" I whispered "at the moment... I don't have a choice". Before the end of the video chat, he had his wife on the screen with him and introducing us... (yep, I swear, I have a witness!) She seems very kind and as long as they are happy together, and I have a roof over my head, that is all that matters at this moment from a physical standpoint. I will work to help them, just as I do everyone else. It is what we do here.
I hung up... went... wow.... well that was rough! I don't think I cried at that moment, but I choked up... We went on to have some fun with what we were working on, laughed, she left, then I cried myself quietly to sleep... the ego needed to grieve the next step... it was ok, I understood it. I slept, woke up the next morning, set aside like 4 hours to "grieve/cry".... opened myself up, and can you believe it, I didn't need to hardly cry! I was actually ok. I let it "pour" out for like 10 whole minutes, and went "that was it?!!!" Laughed at the ease & irony, got online and started taking clients.
I understand there is a plan for me. It doesn't include all of this "stuff" that could have interfered. I would never have left if we were together. I understand the Universe opened the door for me to let go of yet another attachment, so I could get ready to fulfill my purpose, my role here. So, do I have bad days... yes, but not really, I might have moments, but I "see" them for what they are and trust in "what I understand"... and am ready for the next part of this journey.
So, I have just less than a month to get my butt in gear to help as many people as I can, continue to transcend my-self & get to moving!!! He is still my friend, we still care for each other's happiness, respect each other & will be fulfilling our purposes in different roles for now until things change. For those who know us, please be respectful of their new marriage and starting their life together. This post has absolutely nothing to do with him, and should not affect him in any way at all. I really do wish them both the most happiness in their lives together. Until he announces, it is not appropriate to address in a public venue. (please & thank you).
I am not a victim to the situation and don't need pity. Most want to feel bad for me, sympathize. Technically, those are your own reflections, and I am like great! In all honesty, I happier than I ever have been, as I have an inner peace that nothing can compare to. He left one month ago, within a week I was "floating" vibrationally, I have continued to release as things come up, and actually when he called today & saw me on video, he was like "What's going on? Why are you so happy?"! lol
This is to help others with any experiences they have, to see there is a better way, there is a brighter side and that we can do what is best for everyone, live through the bad parts... we just have to keep perspective, focus, faith, grounding and always do what is right in our hearts. Take a step back, breathe & look at it with what I call our "spiritual eyes". Not the physical self. Nothing matters that is physical & nothing someone does is about us. He didn't "leave" me. I accepted it. I have had people get bent out of shape because I have no desire to "make him pay". I have no reason to. Things just "are". They are what we make them. "I" am happy! And if he allows himself to be, he can be too. That is what we all should be. I have nothing but gratitude and appreciation for the entire relationship & experience. Treat each other with respect, love, kindness, compassion. Because we are all one.
I have a connection to a higher consciousness that transcends any physical relationship or thing.
I don't know where I am going, but it doesn't matter. I just "know" things, and that is perfect!