As I watch the world go by at a slower pace (this is what happens when I step back from the chaos & don't take part, just observe)... things slow down so I can actually "see". Being caught in the chaos, we get caught up in that energy of confusion, fear, control.... we participate even when we don't realize it.  So, I step back.  I observe.  I choose not to participate.  It is actually quite refreshing!

Time gets distorted, as chaos causes things to spin out of control so fast that we lose our grip.  Then our control issues, or need to try to hang on, kick in and we run in faster circles... to what end?  

The illusion of control is fascinating.  It is the opposite of trusting.  I choose trust.  But it took a long time to get to that point.  Easy to say, but not as easy to do (or is it?).

First, I had to get over myself.  I had to learn that I had no control.  Yet again, another perception that I needed to feed to feel "good".  I didn't understand that I didn't feel "good".  It was my perception of safety.  If I could control it, everything could be perfect, right? Things would go the way I wanted/needed.  Yeah... right. lol  As soon as I learned to let go of control, get out of my way, trust... things started to go/flow perfectly.  It was only when I interfered that things got messed up.  Wow, that took a lot to digest.  But then again, that was my ego that I needed to feed.  Lack of control is not failure.  Lack of control is not losing anything. Letting go of control allowed me to pay attention to other things; The little things in life that I normally would have missed because I was so focused on the things that didn't matter.  

Now, I wake up and immediately breathe in a deep breath and enjoy it.  Now I get up & look out the window and am thankful for the sun, or the trees, or the wind, or the rain.  Doesn't matter, because I am just thankful.  I pay attention to "people" as I pass them on the street.  Before I was too "busy".  My brain was in the past or the future, not in the present.  Now I release my brain, my thoughts from needing to think about the past, as that serves no purpose (other than to learn from experiences).  I do not focus on the outcome of anything, for if I am living here & now, doing what I need to do, enjoying every moment.... I realize I actually don't control the future.  Am I perceptive enough to "see" it?  Only if I don't try.  When I try, my intellect gets in the way.  Just "being" allows me the access to all of the information I need.  In order to connect to spirit, higher-self, whatever... I have to let go.  I have to just "be".

I hear people say (I used to do this too!), I want to grow my abilities.  I wanna see.  I want to "know".  I am "trying".  That is exactly the problem.  As long as we are thinking, trying... we can't.  We have to disconnect from self, to go to that place.  For me, I have to connect with my heart.  The more love I feel for people, the more I help another, the more I am true to self (integrity, honor, respect, honesty), the more I am able to connect.  For others it may be different.  This is what works for me.  I don't "try" to do anything.  I do the opposite.  I let go, connect to and open my heart & let it flow.

letting go of all judgment of others & self, total acceptance of others and self... it can be done.  We just have to make a conscious effort to override what is "easy & natural" when we don't possess these things so that we can!  Repeated, continual, every moment of every day... being conscious of our words and thoughts.  But being conscious is not enough.  Actually recognizing, owning & changing them.  That is where the difference lies.  I can be aware, but if I say "oh well, tomorrow"... I hold on to that same mentality that got me there to start with.  Procrastination is fear of failure or success... "it's too hard"... no, that is perception.  We create our own perceptions.   

Happy New Year Everyone!  Embrace yourself ~ Treat others with respect & love at all times.  The biggest obstacles are our biggest teachers and can be the most rewarding.  But if we stand in our way, we will never know.  Allow yourself to be happy, to love, to live.... 

In studying my coursework tonight, I realized something for the first time (or at least so much than before).

I have gone through so many changes this year, and so many things played a part in that.  I had forgotten some of the little unimportant things I did (what seemed to be little things) along the way.

I shut off the Television and radio and all outside noise.  I used to be addicted to the sound of the T.V. It had to be on 24/7, especially when I slept.  I slept to the noise... even the "white noise" with the volume muted... it just had to be on.  I didn't sleep then at all.  I took heavy duty sleeping meds, more than the normal person's dosage after years & years of insomnia and other issues.

But then I started listening to something different.  I purchased a guided meditation "Guided Chakra Healing Meditation" by Greg DeVries off Amazon.com  I played it on repeat all through the night, every night.  I shared it with friends.  I did classes where we meditated to this 42 minute CD.  Everyone loved it.  I would fall asleep and it took months before I actually "heard" the whole thing in a conscious state.  But that didn't matter.  The affects of that one (and some other wonderful meditations) had started to help me reprogram my subconscious and I didn't even realize to what extent until now. Listening to low-end negative broadcasts that feed fear & hatred actually programs the brain and re-enforces those thoughts of fear & hatred buried deep within.  By changing that and listening to something healing, repeatedly, my thought processes were being reformed when I slept.  This helped me start to change my waking thoughts! 

I did this night after night, day after day.  If I was cleaning, I played positive, calm, healing meditations, with words of healing, love & inspiration.  I burned a CD of one that motivated me "calmly" and played it when I drove in the car, instead of listening to crazy music or fear-based radio/news.  I didn't turn the TV on anymore and actually can't stand it... it's annoying and a disturbance to being able to connect with my thoughts and higher consciousness.  

I hear the fear & negativity (and sometimes anger) that comes from some people who listen to the fear driven news/radio/television.  My response "I don't listen to that stuff".  I pop in my calming, healing meditation and put my headphones on or sit in silence, as what I can access is so much more productive, healthy and informative than the low-end vibes created from the TV or radio.  The thought of what listening to that 24/7 (news/TV/radio) does to the mind of those and their subconscious & how it affects their conscious thoughts.  Wow!  Now I get it.  I consciously understood that I didn't like it or listen to it, but on a whole new level I see how changing that little thing helped me change a huge part of me and how much it negatively affects others thoughts (both conscious & subconscious.)  It IS auto-programming and we do it to ourselves.  Another thing we can consciously change but just changing what we listen to repeatedly!

On a separate note:  I used to have to drown out my low-end negative thoughts with any kind of noise as a distraction.  Once I worked through everything and got rid of them, I didn't need noise anymore.  It's like I could not "face" my thoughts! What a revelation! Peace & quite is pure bliss now :) P.S. Gone are all the meds and I sleep like a baby now.  Have been for months and months.  It's awesome! Lots to be said by overcoming fear and negativity.  Anyone can do it.  Just stare it in the face and don't back down.  It becomes this teeny-tiny thing that was just a huge mass before.  It shrivels up and dies.  We make it huge.  We have to feed it for that to happen.  Don't feed fear.  Take your power back.    

One huge thing for me to come to realize was how I was putting expectations on absolutely everything and had no comprehension of this at all; The expectation of an outcome to basically everything.  How often do we give without the expectation of a some kind of return?

Expectation leads to disappointment, failure, betrayal, hurt, anger... Just a few examples:

• I did "this" for someone and they didn't "insert something here";
  
• I went into this relationship expecting _____________________________________
• I gave this with the expectation of ________________________________________
• I was a friend and they betrayed me by __________________________________
• I treated him/her great and all he/she did was ____________________________
• I spent my hard earned money on that and he/she ________________________
• I trusted him/her but he/she _____________________________________________
• I loved him/her, but he/she ______________________________________________
• I made an agreement with him/her, but __________________________________
• I did this for them because ______________________________________________

The list could go on & on.  Finish each sentence with anything generic and see what your answer is. Then look back at how, if you were giving "unconditionally" that person could not have disappointed you, betrayed you, used you, and so on..... as it is only when we "give" with expectation that such an outcome can be reached.

Instead, I now consciously make sure that when I give, that I give "it" away without expectation or condition.  There are times that I just don't have "it" to give (emotionally, physically, financially, whatever)... so I don't give it.  If I am not prepared to give it without an attachment to the outcome, then I don't.  This doesn't mean shutting down and not giving ever again.  That is counter-productive. Learning to give because it is right and I have it to give and if I give it without an attachment to the outcome, then I can be pleasantly surprised when I do get something positive back (usually 100 fold, because I gave it willingly & without attachment from my heart).  Those who operate out of true respect and love for another, must do so for self first.  Giving more than we have depletes us and becomes unhealthy.  Not giving at all and always taking creates the opposite, and is just as unhealthy. Finding balance in giving and receiving is a hard thing to do sometimes, especially when you are a continual giver (a whole new topic!).  

Part of my "weight" problem was NOT putting myself first.  I thought this was selfish.  Instead, I have come to understand that I had to do this, to gain self-respect and compassion for self.  Once I did this (long long journey to get there!) then I could treat others with the same without taking from myself. Equal exchange.  If I make an agreement and the other person does not fulfill their end of the agreement, I have to then step back and see what the lesson was and where to go from there.  It is no longer about how that person betrayed me (this was my biggest issue in life).  Now, is their failure to uphold their end due to their lack of respect to me as a person/friend (whatever)? What I do now is up to me.  I used to give this control to them.  It's not about them anymore.  I am my responsibility, they are responsible for theirs.  It took me a long time to learn that one. Sometimes I have to step back/walk away because that relationship no longer serves a positive role in my life or theirs.  Allowing them to continue to use/abuse me is dysfunctional to all parties involved. I determine what I choose to accept. If I choose to accept less than what is equal exchange then that is my choice.  But if I don't, then I need to take measure (sometimes hard but necessary) to change things.  Sometimes I have to go to higher self and talk to their higher self.... sometimes this helps.  Other times that person is so wrapped up in their own issues/materialistic needs that they can't see or they don't care.  All I can do is wish that person love and step away.  That relationship has served its purposed at that time.  I can't be angry at them, as I accepted everything I got.  

Responsibility is first and foremost.  Without it, one dismisses their part in taking an active role and doesn't learn from the outcome.  I no longer need to be the enabler in the dysfunctional relationship. I am no longer subject to manipulation by guilt.  I can see this for what it is now and I don't take someone's inability to honor their word or be respectful of me as my issue any longer.  I can see it for what it is. (Singing "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..." lol) I now send love to those who are in so much pain and fear that they need to suppress another to feel power or good about themselves.  One day they will hopefully know the freedom I experience now by releasing myself from all of those emotional issues that were weighing me down in every way (physically, mentally, spiritually).

My reaction, my issue, my responsibility.  Their reaction, their issue, their responsibility.

I consciously choose my responses now.  I might come to anger, but I quickly recognize it and then stop to delve into "why am I angry".  It's never the other person that is the focus, but always myself.  They are just the "trigger".  I let myself experience the emotion attached (cry, anger, whatever) and a few minutes later I am done.  I no longer hold onto that emotion.  It does not serve anything other than an outlet of that experience.  Holding it in just causes it to have to come up at a later time.  Sometimes when we hold so many things in, then we crash or explode.  It wreaks havoc on our health.  Why would we choose this over letting it go and moving on?  Our intellect.  We feel like failures if we "feel", cry, take responsibility, etc".  It is soooo much easier when we can blame someone else.  But that just creates a vicious cycle that never ends well for anyone involved.  I've found it so much easier to be honest at all times.  How can I trust another if I cannot trust myself?  

We create the expectations of perfection, failure, not good enough, disappointment, betrayal. For only if we attach an outcome to anything, can we even experience those things. If there is no expectation attached, then we can't be disappointed, betrayed, or fail. It is by our own standards that we create such attachments. I choose to give without expectation or attachment, only those things I am prepared to give though. If I can't do so, then I need to say no. Fear of hurting another creates the inability to say no. But are you hurting them or you by giving something you can't give freely? Isn't it better to give and let go? Once we are able to give freely, we get so much more freely in return. This can be a hard concept in the beginning, but over time it becomes natural and so easily understood. Things can be so simple. Why do we choose to allow our intellect to complicate things?

I used to have the hardest time with balance (both physically & otherwise.).  I went from the extreme OCD/analytial work-a-holic to unemployed and "lost".  For the first time since I was 13 years old I had to face myself.  Woah!!! 

I didn't realize that being a work-a-holic was an addiction in itself (uh duhhhh "a-holic" wasn't hint enough!), then to start changing addictions when I got laid off.  I didn't realize that all was a gift in itself.  Granted, I had to go through every "a-holic" extreme, and bottom out before "I got it", but I see now why I had to do so.  It was part of my growth experience. 

I went from an entire life of self-sabotage to my kundalini awakening literally overnight.  It would take me months to look back and understand that is what was happened.  I just knew that all of a sudden everything was different.  All of that pain, self-punishment started to lift.  I no longer needed to suffer or make other suffer.  I started to take responsibility and treat others differently.  I stopped being a victim.  It would take me many more months of growth to "learn" at an expedited speed things I could not comprehend before.  I was learning on a whole new conscious level.  I understood things on a whole that I could not even contemplate grasping a piece of before.  It was like being up in the clouds looking down and just knowing.  Everything was simplified.  I no longer needed to know why anymore because I just "knew".  But, I could not embrace my intellect and be in this place.  I had to step outside myself and connect on a totally different level.  On this level, everything was perfect.  This would open my eyes & my world to everything new.

This new "place" was addictive.  There was no pain, no hate, no betrayal, no fear.  Everything just was.  Just being was enough.  But how to function on this level and live in the physical world at the same time.  I couldn't stay here forever (or could I?) lol  So started my journey of "existing" in both places at the same time.  It would take some time, but it is possible.  I do have to "shut it down" to an extent to operate in a "normal" physical world.  For those who know me, they know that if they are talking that I shut my eyes & tune to a higher level and listen with my 3rd eye.  I feel the conversation.  It helps me shut down my intellect so that it doesn't interfere. I can make better decisions when I operate this way.  I "know" things that my intellect can't even begin to understand.  I operate completely from a place of purity, integrity & respect on this level.  I am neutral in my responses and it is not about me or the person involved when I operate on this level.  It is about what is true.  Honesty, integrity, respect and what is right is the same regardless of who is involved.  If I operate from a place of purity & integrity then I serve a higher good at all times.  Removing impurities from my life (mind/body/soul) has allowed me the honor of connecting with a pure consciousness that is true to what is good in everyone/everything. 

Before, I didn't understand it.  I am calm and at peace at all times in this state.  I no longer have the need to defend anything or argue, as the intellect needs to prove a point.  The higher self knows  & just steps back and let those intellectually needing control to have it.  It is not important.  Big change from the old me that needed to win an argument or prove my point or be right. Nothing overwhelms me, because there is no "me" anymore there.  It is about so much more.  I have come to experience "balance" now in my everyday life.  I can access my logic when I need to & shut it down when it doesn't serve a purpose.  I can access "that place", that connection, as long as I stay out of the way.  So I "choose" to make the conscious choice to operate primarily intuitively now.  Intellect is not necessary when I have access to "all-knowing".  Intellect is actually lower-level understanding of what I have access to, as long as I stay pure at heart, and in body & mind also. 

Every day I continue to grow & learn & I embrace every second of it.  I can disconnect at any time, especially if I allow my intellect to interfere or I give into lower-energies around me or low-end thoughts in my head.  Now I have a choice, because I have allowed myself to grow in a positive way.  I choose to let go of control.  For the New Year, let go of control & expectations.  Just let go & be. 

I can speak about this because I experienced this to the extreme for quite some time.  I was emotionally incapacitated for way too long.

I see so many people with phenomenal potential who are prisoner to fear.  That fear manifests in many ways depending on the person and their coping mechanisms.  But for all, the outcomes are the same. Fear keeps us captive to a belief of something causing us not to be able to succeed at something, some repercussions or false condemnation.

If we look at a protective mechanism we have (i.e. remaining a victim, anger, intellect... the list is endless) we can see that we ourselves create the false belief of whatever our obstacle is.  If we feel we can't succeed at something, then look at what our greatest fear is for that.  Ok, I try & I fail.  So what.  Fail then try again.  Failure is perspective and we set our own standards.  If we learn something from it, did we actually fail?  We only fail if we don't learn from the experience.

Once we become adults, we become able to set our own goals & standards.  So why do we continue to feed into the voices that we grew up with telling us we "shouldn't do that" or "we can't do that" or "we aren't good enough".  Technically, we replace those who told or showed us that with our own voices.  It's no longer that person we answer to.  That person only has power if we give into that thought process we were raised with.  So how do we break the cycle?  Many ways.  One is recognizing it and consciously making an effort to delve into each instance that we use that "excuse" that we can't do something. Can't is a cop-out.  Blaming "that person" is an escape from taking responsibility for our own actions. Realizing it is the first step to changing it.  

What's the worse that is going to happen if you try whatever it is that you are telling yourself you can't do?  Look deep into the real reason you are not doing it.  Blaming someone else is not the answer.  It is not "their" fault.  Everytime you notice yourself saying "he/she/it/they"... immediately say the same sentence with "I" and see how it changes.  "They caused me to do this".  No, THEY didn't.  "I allowed this to happen".  Because at all times we are responsible for our own actions.  Once we start to take responsibility, it actually becomes very empowering.  I can do this!  It is a process.  Change does not happen over night, BUT change does not happen at all if we don't even try.

I promise, the fear we have created is far worse than the actual thing itself.  Our fears become so large they overwhelm us and own us.  Turn and face the fear.  I am not aware of any time it is detrimental to our well-being.  Fear itself is though.  The voice that is telling you that you can't do something is your own.  It might be disguised as the voice of someone who told you those same things as a child, but as an adult they no longer have control unless you allow it.

Be kind to yourself.  You deserve it.  Respect yourself at all times and others.  Treat everyone (including yourself) with love & respect.  Good things will happen when you do.  

Namaste'

I look back on the days of chaos when I needed to make more money to buy more things that I thought I needed.  I (faintly) remember when I was a crazy control freak, trying to "get keep it all together" so everything would be perfect. Wow, was I totally way disconnected.

Simplicity has a certain peace to it.  Now, materialistically, I have absolutely nothing.  I have no money, I lost my car, I am downsizing apartments to cut expenses, and I have not had a "normal" job in over 2 years.  But, I am happier than I ever have been in my life.  You never could have told me this years ago when I was making tons of money & had all those nice things.   I could not have understood it.  I live on very little means and would not have it any other way now.

I reflect upon one of my most memorable experiences this last year sitting with a homeless man & giving him my last dollar. Taking him to the hospital because he was sick and had no way, as others walked past him avoiding him like he was the plague. 

I have learned to trust my intuition and higher self that much.  As he walked past the window of the Subway I was sitting in, I immediately got "if he walks past again, go talk to him".  My intellectual self would have said "yeah right".  But my higher self knew more.  It knew that he needed help and that he was no threat.  As Sonia Choquette teaches "Trust Your Vibes" that is exactly what I did.  My vibes said follow your higher self.  My intellect said "RUN".  I even tried to walk away.  I got to the parking lot & stopped behind a column & asked "do I give into my fears or do I trust what I got intuitively and go talk to him"?  So I took a deep breath, told my intellect to take a hike & I walked over to the little patio table he was sitting at outside the little shopping center.  He had his head down on the table & probably thought I was crazy when I asked if I could sit down.  I don't think he knew what to do with me any more than my intellectual self knew what to do with him.  So I withdrew from my intellect & tapped into higher self & just went with whatever came through.

He was really really sick.  He had been vomiting (even while I was there) and trying to drink water.  I am sure years of no healthcare, alcohol abuse & whatever were contributing factors.  I bought him a cup of water & a sandwich (for later) and sat with him and talked.  He needed to go to the hospital.  By car it was over 30  minutes away (the one that would treat indigent/homeless), and he was in no condition to ride a bus for hours until it got him there.  So I loaded him up in my car & off we went.  He asked me "why are you doing this?  Because of God?" In his mind he could not comprehend that someone would do such a thing without a reason.  The owner of Subway came out and tried to "warn" me... "he's homeless"... I said "I know".  He could not comprehend it either.  He had been watching me all afternoon give a couple dollars to homeless people for water while I studied my Metaphysical homework.  He said "I've never seen anyone be so nice to strangers for no reason".  I said "why not?".  He had run them out of his store & I went to help them.  He was so "impressed' that he gave me his business card.  Why? I don't know.  Doesn't matter. 

On the ride to the hospital, we talked a bit.  It was an eye opener for me to see that my little conveniences (a cell phone with GPS to get us there) were foreign to this homeless man.  He had no comprehension of technology.  He told me of his life and previous jobs.  We talked about family and health.  I drove him to the hospital and dropped him off at the emergency entrance.  He was so thankful.  I was thrilled to have not given into my "fears" and intellect that day to avoid another human being/spirit.  I followed my intuition & higher self and it was just another thing that made me learn to trust what I got instead of trying to "heed the warnings of my ego".   That was one of the best days ever.  And it only cost me a few bucks, but what I got in return was so much more than money could ever buy.

I notice how much my vibrational awareness has changed as I change.  I used to pick up on absolutely everything negative (there is no negative or positive anymore, just energy.)  It is what we make it.  So now I refer to vibrations as high energy or low energy.

I have changed everything in my life.  The reasons for changing in different areas are different reasons, but it all comes together to one understanding.  

I used to be so overwhelmed by low-end energies.  Pain was one of the worst.  Security issues (lower back). Anger. Depression.  Betrayal & deceit. I could tune into these from miles away.  I began picking up on those I was connected to from across the U.S. or even in different countries.  If there was a fight or a major trauma, I could pick up on it.  Sometimes I knew who it was.  If it was a catastrophic event (earthquake, Tsunami, etc.) the energy was different, but I knew it was earth related and huge.  I could zone into their heartache and would just take it away from them if I could.  Not realizing how much detriment I was doing to myself.

I began to understand that the reason I was always around that low-end energy, was because that was what I was attracting.  Until I healed those areas in me, I would continue to do so.  

I have many things to contribute to my growth.  There is not just one thing.  I see how people/things/experiences have come into my life for a reason so that I could learn and grow.  I've had several teachers, did neurofeedback, my empath & intuitive group, Reiki Certification classes... so many things.  They all played a part & I am thankful for every one of them.  Ultimately I had to be ready to embrace the change.  The roller coaster ride that I would embark on was just the beginning, but definitely necessary.

I've been like this my entire life, but I did not understand it.  I thought everyone could read minds as people walked by in the mall.  A past time for me was "reading people" as they passed... totally "normal" in my world.  I had a "dark figure" that sat in the corner of my room night after night.  It had no face, just a figure.  I was so young, it scared me to death.  I would sit, holding my breath, muttering "what do you want".  Or at least I tried to mutter.  I don't know if they were just in my thoughts or the words actually seeped out in silence.  I had an "old man" run across in front of my vehicle one night on the way home & I freaked out.  I thought I hit someone, but there was no jolt & he was "see-thru".  I would not understand my "gifts & differences" until the last few years.  

I shut it down by becoming a work-a-holic, logical thinker, perfectionist.  I do remember everything coming to me "naturally"... knowing the answers and how to do things no one else could comprehend.  My biggest problem was I was in "savior" mode & kept picking up people with the most problems to try to "rescue" them, much to my own detriment, but again necessary for me to grow.

Then around 2007, I had an "experience" that made me realize I could do things most saw as crazy.  I knew events before they happened.  I saw them in my dreams or got a feeling/knowing prior to.  One week, while working for a law firm, my son who was in the Marines and deployed to Iraq had returned stateside to his base.  He was several states away and they "ground" them to base for like 10 days then he would come home to visit with family/friends and take leave.  He had told me he was going to wait to take leave and come home later when things calmed down.  The entire week I kept hearing "he's coming home"... this went on daily... I ignored it.  Then while folding towels I got "my son is here"... a minute later "bang, bang, bang" goes the front door.  I said "open the door, that's my son!".  We opened the door and my son said "surprise!!!!!".  I said "I knew you were coming and here".  "Yeah right mom"... "I didn't tell you so I could surprise you" he said.... little did he know. 

I think the relationship that I was in at that time caused me to open back up.  It was a very traumatic relationship & what he put me through caused me to go back into that mode of experiencing trauma that I had been able to shut out with 1000 walls up to that time.  I also had taken a job with a non-profit, working with the indigent and people in need and it caused me to have to access a side of me that I had shut down.  I actually loved working with people again.  It was very full-filling and rewarding to help those who genuinely needed and appreciated it.  I was working with families during adoptions, babies in the NICU unit, unwed moms trying to keep their kids, people with mental illnesses, battered moms, kids that "cut" and I got to pull from my experiences to help someone else for a change.  

After I escaped that marriage/relationship, I got involved with a few people.... one was an empath & he was strange!  But, he made me come to understand for the first time why I was so different.  I was with him for 2 confusing months.  I kept picking up on all of these emotions that I could not get a grip on.  I felt one way, then would feel another, then get these thoughts and nothing made sense.  I did not suffer from depression, yet I felt depressed.  I "knew" he was using me and kept asking him if he was happy and he would say yes, but I would get no in my head.  Nothing matched up.  Then one day I got in the shower and the flood gates opened.  I cried & cried & when it was over got "he needs to go now".  I got dressed, he came through the door "I have a job interview this afternoon".... "no you don't, you are packing and leaving today".  "What?".  Yep, get your stuff and let's go.  I was moving the next day and only an idiot would kick the 6'3" guy out with the muscles who was supposed to help me move all my heavy furniture, but it was more important that he leave.  I took him & dropped him off to catch a train back to the state he came from & as soon as he got out of my vehicle, the energy lifted and it was like I could breathe again.  It had been him the entire time.  Woah!  Funny, we had the exact same birth month & day.  

I looked for a group to help me deal as I was so overwhelmed, I was truly at the end of my rope.  I was picking up on everyone.  I could not go to the grocery store anymore.  Too many people.  All those thoughts and low-energies.  I couldn't function in daylight anymore, too much crazy chaotic energy... so I reversed my days/nights.  I stayed up all night & went to the store at night and slept during the day.  Only way I could get by.  I found a group and it was like finding my way home.  People who understood me & actually made sense.  This distorted world of psychics, empaths, intuitives, seeing the future, feeling other people.... you name it, it all made sense.  That was the beginning of my whole new world.

I will fast forward to close, and re-visit the "in-between" later if it feels appropriate.  Suffice it to say that my whole world has evolved to a level I never imagined.  It took me a little over a year to crash & burn (literally).  I think I had to hit bottom to get all of that to come to the surface, as I had put up so many walls & buried it so deep that was the only way to access it.  Everyone's journey is different.  

When I speak of anything, I have to have experienced it to understand it. So if I say that we draw negative energies to us, or we seek out to save, or anything... it is not a judgment comment, it is a comment from my own experiences.  I can not even claim to understand or comprehend unless I have been there.  Those things I study and learn from a book, benefit me or compliment my own experiences.  The rest, I could give two hoots about at this current time.  Later, when I need to access that information, I will have it though. 

Two major things in my growth process: Reiki Level I, II, III/Teacher Certification classes.  I took the first "round" to grow.  I kept taking them until I could actually "connect" with Reiki, but this opened me up to the love & energy I needed to let go.  The other was finding the University of Metaphysical Sciences.  The coursework is phenomenal.  It teaches you to look inward and the information gained in their curriculum is first rate.  I highly recommend it to anyone on this path.  I have always hated studying, but I love my coursework and have learned so much on a spiritual level since starting with them.

I have found that people come & go in my life as I grow.  I finally learned that this was not because there was something wrong with me, like I thought for many years.  I had resigned myself to just being alone, as I seemed happier without people in my life.  But, I now understand that everyone & everything serves a purpose... a lesson... they come to teach me & me them, then they go.  I no longer look at a failed relationship (friends/loves/whatever) as a failure, but yet that it has served its purpose for what we were to learn & it is time to move on.  I now look at everything as "what can I learn/teach" and keep going.  Everything is a learning experience.  Learning is 24/7.  It never ends.  :)

In closing, I now operate at such a higher frequency.  I can "detect" those lower vibrations/frequencies, but they no longer own me.  I can feel the vibration in foods, words, thoughts, colors, everything! It is so cool.  I have cut out all meats (gone vegetarian, raw food, organic, etc). and am so so so much healthier and lighter (in spirit & in weight).  I have more to lose, but as I ascend & grow & raise my vibration, respect nature and everything, purify my life, my body, my thoughts.... everything comes into alignment and the weigh drops off.... I no longer say low-energy swear words... I can "feel" the low energy of what they do.... I don't even think them as a rule.  Thoughts really do vibrate at different levels.  Low end thoughts make us feel yucky, whereas high end thoughts make us happy and make us respect ourselves and others.  We don't want to self-sabotage or hurt anymore.  There is no need.  I now respect myself, my body, my spirit.... and they return the favor by providing me with those things I need every moment of every day! Awesome :)

I have run across so many (I did this so I can completely understand it) who say "I have been teaching that for years (or all my life)."  Yet, intellectual understanding and actual, higher consciousness understanding are two TOTALLY different things.) They are not even in the same ballpark.

The first time I "got" it was after an "experience" of something I had been teaching for years.  I believe it was on the awakening process.  I had studied and learned and taught those things I had learned to help others in their journey.  Then I went through my actual awakening.  I still didn't even get it.  It wasn't until months later that "boom", that 12x12 (I need something bigger than the virtual 2x4 much of the time) hit me upside the head and "I got it".  I had been teaching and never actually understood it on "that level".  Intellectually I understood, but on a spiritual level, I had no comprehension what-so-ever.

Now that I "got it", I could actually connect on a whole new level to help others (and myself).  I no longer needed to go to my intellect.  I finally had come to "trust" the intuitive information that I was now able to receive, just by letting go of my need to be in control all of the time.  I found that I was not able to connect to my higher consciousness as long as I needed to stay connected to my intellect/ego.  Once I let go of that, I could remove myself energetically and connect to my higher consciousness.  There, there is no "need" to understand, as it is just "understood".  There is no guessing or questioning, there is just "knowing".  There is total peace.  There is no pain, no hate, no low-end energy at all.  It was that guilt, shame, blame, fear that kept me from connecting until then.  Once I let go of those low-end feelings & reactions, I was able to access the higher end energies that bring complete perfection.  

I listen with my eyes closed much of the time.  I "feel" the information that I need to access.  When someone is talking, I don't need to look at them, as all of what I need to connect with to comprehend is on a whole different level.  My intellectual understanding and my higher self understanding are complete opposites.  There is no "who, what, when, where, why" anymore... who doesn't matter, what doesn't matter, when doesn't matter, where doesn't matter, and most importantly why doesn't matter.  Everything just is.... and "is" is perfectly enough.

We are raised, taught & educated to "look outside" for the answers.  Learn about others, worry about others, it's all about "out there".  So many need to impress, "things" materialistic become important over time.  Until things override the purity of simplicity.  This is not about things. This is not about anyone else.  This is not about who cares about who did what one day, or who owns what or what kind of clothes we wear or how our hair looks that day.  This is the total opposite.  

When I started getting rid of everything that I had coveted in all my years and that others would see as important, I think people started to wonder if I was still sane.  I kept getting comments of how they could not believe I was getting rid of something so nice, so materialistic.  But on this level, things don't matter.  They actually become hindrances.  They become obstacles.  They weigh us down and get in the way.  

Foods went, things went and I began to re-prioritize everything.  The well-being of people, the environment, animals, plants matter now.  A breeze or the sun now brings a smile to my face, whereas I used to hide from the outside energy.  Watching birds fly.  Watching people interact.  Helping someone else in need.  The smallest things now make a moment perfect.  Other than physical world needs, life is so much simpler.  

Majority of the time, I can see through the "crap" that is projected by others.  That used to bother me.  I used to look at someone and see "all their stuff".  See that fakeness, the fronting. It used to bother me that so many people were not genuine.  Now, I use that to delve deep to see what that person truly needs so that I can help them (when they want help).  Sometimes they are not ready, and I have to step back and let them fall.  This used to be impossible for me to do.  I had to save them.  Now I understand why and I can do this because it is what THEY need on their journey.  Mine is not to save them anymore.  It is to give them the tools that I have learned in order to grow when the time is right for them.  Some never use them.  I had to learn that their "failure" to grow was not my failure to teach.  I can give it and it is up to them to do with what they desire.  I can't control another.  I can only control myself & my actions, and if I really want to look at it on another level, I have no control at all.  The more we try to control, the less control we actually have.  I don't need control, as I have everything I need when I go to "that place".  I now use that energy to do the best for the greater good of all at all times.    I now connect on a higher level and ask/see what I am to do.  I trust that and do my best to stay true to my own moral values and integrity.    

Lately I hear virtually everyone say "January 1st" or "next year" I am going to start this... diet, new job stuff, family stuff, exercise, being healthier, doing good deeds... whatever... and I say "Why wait"?  What are you waiting for? What's stopping you now?  If you TRULY want to do this "thing", why are you putting it off until later?

Simple, you don't really want to.  Procrastination is a way to feed into the fear of accomplishing something we may "wish" to do, but have no intention of doing.  

"I will put it off until then, as I REALLY don't want to attempt to accomplish that."  It's too much trouble, or I don't think I can succeed.... with that thought process, we don't succeed... it is too much trouble.  It's an inconvenience.  Then that time comes to "do that dreaded thing" and we "try".... trying is just a word for saying "I can't".... I "intended to, but it JUST didn't work out".  Welp, next year maybe.... some other time... then we find ourselves back in that "circle" of starting ALL over again... with that dreaded thing we didn't really want to do to start with.

Try this.  Figure out WHY you don't want to do whatever it is that you don't really want to do.  THAT is what you should work on!  Work on the "why"... is it fear of failure?  Is it "too hard"? Then why?  The fear of something is actually greater than the actual "thing" we dread.  We create our fears of "what if" or "I can't because .... (you finish the sentence)".  This will give you better insight as to "why" you keep putting that thing off and help you face that "thing" to move past it.  

Don't wait... do it!  Everyday is an opportunity to do that new thing we put off before.  Everyday is a day to succeed and put a "dreaded" thing behind us... because once we do, it becomes a tiny thing of the past that really doesn't matter anymore.  

As a small child growing up, it was drilled, beaten, slapped & repeated continuously "you have to be perfect to be good enough, to be loved". Everything that I did had to meet a standard, had to please, had to be "perfect".  Otherwise the repercussions were unthinkable.  I would not be good enough and I'd be punished, physically, emotionally, sexually... I was unwanted to start with, so I fought to please, to be accepted, to be good enough, to be perfect.

Then I got older, and I no longer needed others to tell me I needed to be perfect. I self-imposed it upon myself, others, everything.  I looked at existence itself through distorted glasses of "perfection".  "Nope" not good enough.  Let's wait until it is.  I could not complete "that' as it was not perfect.  But who would punish me now?  By who's standards was perfection now?  Long gone were those who beat it into me ... I now took it upon myself to do that.  I didn't need them anymore.  I had acquired the perfect person to impose punishment upon me... ME!  Wow, what an accomplishment to be proud of!

So how do we punish ourselves for not being perfect? Oh, we have wonderful imaginations that can accomplish creating new & inventive ways to do that!  I managed to be the most creative and successful much of the time.  

One was with food.  I literally "fed" the pain.  Not good enough? Oh, carbs & chocolate will make me feel better.  Having a bad day?  Oh, yes, lets go shopping to feel better.  Need to save someone from their self? Oh I was a perfectionist at continuing to try to do that one!  But oh, if they would just listen to ME!  Not working, lets try alcohol or drugs.  Those tend to bury it deep so I can't feel it.  Physical pain... lets go to the doctor and get some meds for that.  

I didn't realize how destructive I was being to myself.  Others told me, but nooooo I wouldn't do that. I thought way to much of myself.  And even if I did have a "moment", I was absolutely safe in my dysfunctional world (or so I thought).  

I had such severe physical problems and technically, mental problems (anxiety is playing to the fears we create/listen to in our head).  My anxiety had gotten so bad that I was agoraphobic and couldn't open the blinds or leave the apartment more than an hour or two a month for "emergencies".  I "hid" in my little, safe world.

Then started the spiral.  I had created utter chaos in my mind & in my life. The abusee became the abuser, but the person I was abusing the most was me.  Others suffered because of my self-sabotaging ways and for that I owe them all a huge apology.  I now take responsibility for my actions.  Did it need to happen? Presumably it did, because everything happens for a reason.  It's not up to me to determine why anymore.  Just to accept and grow.

I used to need "noise" all the time, as the "monkey brain" drove me crazy... the thoughts running rampant & would not slow down.  I could not sleep, concentrate, think, as the "thoughts" went a million miles a minute.  So many things to do, so many things to accomplish, oh my... just be quiet for a minute and give me some peace.... but now... those negative, destructive thoughts are gone and I don't need the TV or the radio or anything going to "drown" them out.  Now I am at peace.  Silence is perfection.  I actually crave and appreciate the silence and am  content with the positive thoughts that "flow" through... not run through... I can sleep at night without any drugs to make me comatose... I can just be happy and just "be".  That alone in itself is perfection. 

I have created "a process of rules" for myself.  I call this my "Steps" (to whatever works a that time). I use this with every emotion/issue that arises, to work through much quicker, if not immediately. 

1. Recognize it (If you can't recognize it, you can't do anything about it.)
   
2. Acknowledge it (I see you "anger" or "sadness". Call it by name.)
   
3. Understand it (Trace the emotion & see where it goes. Sometimes it is a cover for a deeper one.)
   
4. Deal with it (Bring it up, feel it, work through it. Allow yourself to feel it, cry/yell, whatever.)
   
5. Own it (Say "it is MINE", I own it". Taking responsibility removes ability to be victim anymore.)
   
6. Thank it (Thank you anger (or sadness) for showing me you were there. Give it gratitude.)
7. Love it (It is a part of you, so show it love)
8. Forgive it (Forgiveness frees you)
9. Let it go (It no longer serves its purpose, so release it, let it go.)
   

Done.  Once gone, don't keep revisiting it, or we didn't actually do these things and we chose to hang on to "it" instead.  Let it go.  It's gone &  done.

Forgiveness:  The need to even comprehend that we need to forgive means we blame someone for something for what we perceive as being "bad" done to us or others.  If there is no blame, there is nothing to forgive.  Blame creates a victim mentality.  I have no reason to blame another otherwise I am not taking responsibility and working through it.  I am staying in that "safe" comfortable place of remaining a victim and ultimately those we blame still have power.  Take your power back, take responsibility and let it go.  

I have "suffered" the most unthinkable acts in this physical world.  Many done by others, many done by me.  It is through those experiences I can come to understand, to have compassion and to teach others with the same experiences now needing to move past and let go.  Without those experiences I would have no understanding what-so-ever of how to help another heal.  This is my gift and now I understand why I chose those unthinkable experiences for me.  No longer do I blame or hold onto anger.  No longer am I a victim to that trauma.  I embrace all things that are and use them to help another.  

My gift to another and first and foremost to self; The gift of healing on the most important level needed to accomplish the act of unconditional love and forgiveness.  The gift of self.

So every moment of every day, I now FEEL and experience total happiness and contentment.  I no longer "think" like the normal person.  I recognize the "mind" that creates doubt, fear, mistrust, anger, pain, blame.  I have learned to "quiet" the mind and now listen to my heart, myself, my intuition, my higher self.  I have learned to "trust" in self as never before.  It was the distrust that kept me in that "place" of fear of whatever.  Fear of not good enough, not succeeding, being hurt, betrayed, pain.... Everything is perception.    

I understand that perfection is set by "MY standard" and that now I see the perfection in everyone & everything JUST AS IT IS.  I no longer need to "feed" the pain, as the pain is gone.  I now enjoy the pleasure of complete and utter bliss on most days.  (Yes we all have not so perfect days, but how I handle those now is completely different too!)  I now appreciate myself and perfection "as I am", as "as I am" is complete perfection as is.  

Now I can help another when they truly want to be helped.  I can give them the tools, but it is no longer my "job" to save, as that is my "need to feed" my ego.  I cannot take their experience away from them.  All I can do is help them recognize it and use the tools to learn to love, forgive and let it go to be the perfection that they already are.

We create our reality.  We choose to remain a prisoner or to let it go.  We choose to forgive or to love.  We choose.  

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness, love & letting go.  Don't hold on to anger, hate, blame, shame, fear or guilt.  We fight against others controlling us, but who ultimately has the control when we can't forgive and remain a prisoner to those thoughts and judgements imposed upon us?  Honor yourself & see the perfection in imperfection and that you are perfectly perfect exactly as you are!  

Namaste'